Not Quite The Best Little Whorehouse

29th October 2010

This post contains spoilers about the plot of The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas. That might not seem like a big deal but some people take musicals very seriously.

Last night Andrew C Ferguson and I went to see a mutual friend perform in The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas. Although I hate gingham I do quite like musicals and indeed it was a fun and well-staged show with some great one-liners. Structurally however, the story is a disaster.

The first act is totally fine. Here's the key points:

• Two new girls come to work at Miss Mona’s cathouse, a “l’il ol’ bitty pissant country place.”
• Miss Mona is a shotgun-toting tough-but-fair dame with a heart of gold who cares for her girls and strives for a classy operation.
• A slimy crusading TV presenter called Melvin P. Thorpe stirs up locals and tries to get the place closed down.
• The sheriff, Ed Earl Dodd, who has always supported Miss Mona, boots Melvin out of town and is pictured on TV using foul language.
• The Governor gets involved.
• Melvin raids the whorehouse, catching both the local football team and a senator in the act.

So far so good. What we know is: Miss Mona and her girls are providing a fair service under decent conditions and are generally happy.* They are the good guys here. Melvin is the bad guy. The sheriff is a compassionate soul in a difficult position.

This is what we need from the concluding act:

• Miss Mona’s gets shut down.
• There are a couple of unhappy songs.
• A far greater danger threatens the town.
• The cathouse girls are the only people who can save it.
• They do so at great personal cost.
• The grateful townspeople see the error of their ways, accept the girls and Miss Mona’s reopens.
• Melvin tries to stir up more trouble and gets seriously booted out of town by its entire population.
• The lonely sheriff and Miss Mona get together.
• We close with a spectacular song and dance number called The Best Little Whorehouse In Texas.
• The End.

What instead we get is this:

• The Governor refuses to take a position on whether the cathouse should be closed.
• The sheriff opines that Miss Mona is a “good ol’ girl”.
• The Governor bows to public pressure and orders the closing of Miss Mona’s.
• The sheriff phones to warn Miss Mona he will be coming to shut her down.
• The girls pack up and sing a sad song about what they will do with their lives.
• Miss Mona, last to leave, looks around the place and sings a sad song.
• The End.

What? What a total bummer of a second act.

Yes there are some subtleties I have not captured like the fact that the waitress at the café fantasises about being a sexy creature herself or that the sheriff doesn’t remember their trip to Galveston the way Miss Mona does, but come on, we need more. Otherwise this is the plot:

• There is a good thing.
• Someone tries to spoil it.
• It gets spoiled.
• The End.

Not the emotional experience I want from my musicals. No matter how much fishnet and silk they feature.

* I am aware that the sex trade is in reality often exploitative and that most sex workers do not regularly stop what they are doing and break into a cheerful song.